Places You Definitely Shouldn't Take Your Date on Valentine's Day

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When this blog idea was circulated around the Mightier Content headquarters, it initially started as a tool to help people find the best places to take their Valentine’s Day dates. Unfortunately, a commercialized holiday that forces you to buy six red roses and candy for a mere $150 (because it’s what really says “I love you”) doesn’t lend itself to tales of whimsy and hope. So instead here are places you probably/definitely shouldn’t take your Valentine’s Day date by people who probably/definitely will be celebrating alone in their one-bedroom apartment with their cat listening to Coldplay on repeat into the wee hours of the morning. In other words, the experts on what to avoid doing if you want a happy ending at the end of the night. These are in no particular order because they all end in disappointment.

A Strip Club

Just because the $20 entry fee comes with steak, doesn’t mean you should go. Your significant other could be a vegetarian and more importantly, eating a free steak is a risky endeavor during a long night with only public restrooms at your disposal. Sure, it sounds like a lovely meal, complete with a pole dance to a romantic ballad. However, barely covered body parts over food is a recipe that can only lead to a disaster that resulted from an unidentifiable hair. Do yourself and your date a favor and find a better option. Preferably with a steak that is paid for and a hostess that is fully clothed during your dining experience.

Your Parents' House

It’s never a good idea to take a new or old flame to a place that houses old VHS tapes or DVDs of your first time going pee pee in the “big person” potty. It’s not your parents' fault. It’s just that their all-consuming love for you is blinded by the fact that a twilight viewing of your two-year-old private parts may not send the right signals. Even if we’re wrong, the couch where you lost your virginity is already taken by your brother who “needed a place to stay for the night” three weeks ago when his wife kicked him out. Let’s be clear, the only house you should be going to is your own at the end of the night, preferably with the date mentioned above.  

McDonald’s

Micky D’s, the Golden Arches, Hangover Haven, there are so many terms of endearment for this beloved establishment. But what you don’t call it is your destination for Valentine’s Day date night. The quarter pounder with cheese may be your idea of the happiest of meals, but we guarantee all happiness ends there. Where do relationships new and old go to die? If your answer isn’t the drive-through of a McDonald’s, then you would be wrong. We genuinely respect the plight of those who are “ballin’ on a budget” but taking your date to the infamous destination of the inspiration for “Super Size Me” doesn’t inspire faith in your critical thinking skills. We hate to break it to you, but odds are you’ll be eating that whaaburger and those french cries all alone by the end of the night.  

A Funeral

Nobody wants to attend Nana’s funeral, including your Valentine’s Day date. Not only has this only worked for Will Ferrell’s character in Wedding Crashers, but it’s also a morbid way to convince your parents that you aren’t destined to end up alone. Although stealing a kiss during Uncle Ted’s eulogy sounds romantic, the open casket will inevitably kill the moment. A moment that is destined to be even more lifeless than dear sweet Nana, laying in the open casket for all to see. Including your date whom now has the mental image burned into their mind for eternity. Do yourself a favor and avoid adding to your despair during these trying times.

Your Ex's Birthday Party

Nothing screams “run the other way” like your current fling finding out they are at the celebration of the birth of your ex-fling. The one who shattered your heart into a million pieces but you swear you’re over them. Those calls on Saturday night at 2 am meant nothing. As well as the long e-mail you proceeded to write when they didn’t pick up. Even if your date is insecure enough to look the other way, this may be an excellent time to reevaluate your readiness to go on a date in general. Your time may be better spent binging a Netflix original while contemplating your inability to take on this cruel world alone. Either way, it’s obvious you can’t do anything casually and, at best, that’s what you’ll be getting at the end of this date.

There you have it, places you most definitely should not take your date this Valentine’s Day. Now that those are out of the way, this should open up a plethora of more appropriate destinations. Choose wisely my friend, only the best of us will end up on the other side of this as a victor in the arena of love. If you end up being the one knocked out, better luck next year. A year when we will again supply you with details about places you shouldn’t take your date on Valentine’s Day (or any other day for that matter).